Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Amazing new pics of Stevie Hart


Stevie Hart is the Number One Queen Helene 2009 Porn Superstar of my cum-stained dreams.

Baby Sinead has an incredibly hot new photo set of Ms. Hart in all of her smoldering glory.

Go, look, masturbate. Enjoy.

UPDATE: I just downloaded Stevie's red-hot new Bang Bros scene with Shorty Mac, chopped out a few lines, and went to town. Thanks Stevie--that shit was hot!

But like you said, "That's what that pussy does."

Word.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Raving makes me hot


Thanks to a friend, I was able to attend the "Electric Daisy Carnival" rave in LA over the weekend.

I've done my fair share of raving (ECSTASY!), but woooo boy. This madness took the cake.

Think that girls use Halloween as an excuse to dress like a slut? That shit has got nothing on what's going on (or off, more appropriately) at raves. There were so many young girls practically naked that if I hadn't had the foresight to jerk off twice before I went God only knows what would have happened. We're talking topless teen girls wearing only pasties over their nipples (like this tasty little Anna Ferris-looking honey in the pic. Her pasties are much larger than most that I saw). I can only feel sorry for the obviously clueless parents of these little hussies.

I guess it's cool that these youngsters are so comfy with their bodies. It's not just the slim n trim getting in on the exhibitionism either. I saw plenty of BIG girls strutting their stuff in barely there bikinis just as hard as the skinny bitches.

Thankfully i brought a baggie of coke, so I could do key bumps in the port-o-potties every half-hour or so. That helped take the edge of all that untouchable skin in my face.

Musically, it was all about Major Lazer and Diplo. Otherwise, lots of personality-free "unce-unce-unce" (as in the sound of a consistent, dull kick drum) music, as my friend X would call it.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Hard fest

A couple of new DVDs arrived in the post today.

So far it’s all about “Rocco Super Moto Hard.”

I’ve only given it a cursory review, but fuck me is it hot. Rocco knows how to party.

It’s based around some kind of motorcycle race. There are a ton of girls (18 it says on the box cover) and lots of red-hot group action.

There’s one scene where a guy takes this brunette into the back of a van and basically uses her to masturbate. She sucks his cock, he licks her pussy and ass from behind before spitting on her face a couple of times, slapping her with his dick and then shooting an endless load all over her face and in her mouth. (I love the spitting stuff. I never understood why. But a woman can spit in my mouth anytime. Fucking hotttt). It’s a short scene, but fucking memorable. Even better another brunette slut comes and licks a lot of the cum right off of her face.

I love the idea of having a real-live Fleshlight. I want someone that will cater to my every whim, and in return I’ll do the same for her. Cuz sometimes you just want to bend someone over the side of a couch and just ream her hard until you spew deep inside her yummy warmth.

Or just get naked with you, lube up her hand and stand next to you while she jerks you off real quick in the bathroom before going to work. I’d happily do whatever nasty quickie shit she would want.

I miss those kinds of random hook-ups (even with a steady girlfriend). Long, drawn out ‘love making’ is all good, and I’m down for that too. But baby, sometimes I just want you to make me cum hard and fast. Sometimes.

Worst Taco Bell run ever

I mean seriously?

My ex had this whole riff about how I have a tendency to victimize myself.

“You act like the world is actively trying to resist you or something,” she lamented, giving me sad face.

First, that’s kind of the very definition of paranoia, so no.

However.

I have a riff of my own. It’s that most human beings fucking suck. They are worthless sacks of endlessly consuming, perpetually wanting flesh. They are completely self-involved cretins that live like they are the center of the universe.

So it’s not that world is against me. It’s that I’m in the world, and the world is fucked the fuck up. People move through the world looking to take your pound of flesh to add to their own, predatory like sharks with opposable thumbs.

Take tonight’s innocuous trip to Taco Bell.

I’d gone out with some friends tonight in L.A. We went from the Cat and Fiddle on Sunset (where there was this fucking hot Amazonian waitress in a short plaid skirt that got my dick hard. I smiled at her a couple of times, but she gave me nothing. I got one tight half-smile at one point, which is universal for ‘move the fuck on, buddy’) to the Drawing Room with some dinner in between.

I didn’t eat at dinner though. I did a pretty big bump of blow before going into the restaurant, which effectively shut down my appetite.


When it was all said and done I found myself at home around 1:30. I watched some of “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” for what has to be like the 30th time I’ve seen it (I looooove me some Mila Kunis. Jesus that ass!). But soon I realized that I was kind of starving. Fuck it—it’s Friday night, I’ll get some Taco Bell.

By the time I get there, a long-ass line of cars had already had the same idea. I got in line behind some obnoxious SUV. Then a couple of Latino teen boys wedged in behind me.

A few minutes later, the reverse lights on the SUV come on, like it’s trying to back up. But there’s this car wedged right behind me. I can’t back up at all.

I look back at the dudes behind me like, ‘yo, back up, this chick up here is tripping.’

But they just stare at me blankly.

A good five minutes later, and a spindly black woman gets out of the SUV and starts yelling at me to “Back the fuck up!”

I scream back at her “Don’t you see the car behind me?! Where the fuck am I supposed to go!”

She squints her eyes and looked. She sees the car behind me (duh).

“Y’all needs to back the hell up! I’m trying to get outta here!”

Again, the boys stare blankly.

I lay on my horn and put my car in reverse. The car behind me clumsily lurches back once, and then twice.

I’m able to maneuver my way out so the SUV could move. But in doing so, I had effectively lost my place in line. The woman in the SUV swore at me again and sped off.

Red. Red lights blood Ohmyfuckingfuck I’m going to kill this bitch.

I speed up behind her and lay on the horn. I follow her out of the parking lot and pull up next to her at the light.

“Fuck you! Fuckyoufuckyoufuckyouyoufuckingbitch!”

I scream out the window. She looks at me shocked. I speed off in a huff. I swing back around to get in line again. I order food, take it home, and it just sucks. I throw most of it away. I sit down and write this tripe. And I’m done. All I want to do is fuck a chick in the ass right now. Is that so wrong?

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Word of the week: Slattern


It was used to hilarious effect in an episode of "True Blood" this season.


slattern

2 entries found.

Main Entry:
1slat·tern           Listen to the pronunciation of 1slattern
Pronunciation:
\ˈsla-tərn\
Function:
noun
Etymology:
probably from German schlottern to hang loosely, slouch; akin to Dutch slodderen to hang loosely, slodder slut
Date:
circa 1639
: an untidy slovenly woman ; also : slut, prostitute

Stunt-cocking


"Stunt cock for hire"

This would be perfect for me.

I’ve been watching more gonzo/amateur porn flicks, and keep noticing the abundance of stunt cocks. Countless dudes that are just there in the scene as penis life-support systems, totally anonymous. You never see their faces. Like in blowjob and handjob scenes. And lots of these dudes are a real mess. All sloppy and hairy and shit. Many even have below-average cocks.

I’m sure any porn slag would be excited to see a guy like me as her stunt cock on a bj shoot. Nice, clean, well groomed, and a nice thick shlong. I’ve got to get to work on getting in on that action. Van Nuys is just over the hill. I wouldn’t mind making the trip if I knew I was gonna get naked and have some hot porn slattern drain my balls. Google, here I come.

PS: This cocaine is craaaaaazy. Wooo. I don't know what else is in there, but got-damn. Just a half a line and I'm all twisted the fuck out.

Yay Alana Rae


I know, I know. I should've just manned up and went to Erotica LA this year. Oh well. It's all good. At least there are lots of photos like this lovely shot of Ms. Rae and her unfuckingbelievable titties. Yay, tits!

Michael Jackson is in heaven now


I’m not quite sure how I’m doing it right now at work. But somehow, when deadlines roll around, I’ve developed the ability to just sit down and bang out stuff that the middle managers I answer to seem to love. I keep waiting for one of them to grab me by the shoulders and scream in my face “What the fuck is wrong with you?! Are you on drugs?!?!” But they never do. Instead I get “great job” and “I like what you’ve been doing lately.” I pulled off a couple of impressive feats today at the office, even though I’m not quite sure how I did it.

It makes me wonder if all of the weed and blow have been somehow beneficial. Huh. Imagine that.

Farrah Fawcett died today. When I was just a wee lad first discovering the joys of masturbation, I absolutely saluted Ms. Fawcett with the left hand on more than one occasion. I’ll always have a soft place in my heart (and hard place in my pants) for her.

Now we hear that Michael Jackson has had a heart attack and was found not breathing today. While I never jerked off to him (lol), his music has played a considerable role in my life. I mean, no more than most, I guess. But when I was really, really little, some of my first make-out sessions (up against the back wall of a certain ‘teen club’ in the suburban outskirts of a certain Midwestern city) happened while his songs played in the background. I remember really getting into this one girl, Tracy. We were tongue-locked for what seemed like an eternity, when the DJ finally relented and turned the lights back on and played a fast song (which in this case was MJ’s “PYT”). Tracy and I just stood there looking at each other in a daze, my bottom lip throbbing from her sucking and biting on it.

Fuck, sometimes I honestly miss being 15.

UPDATE: TMZ is reporting the Michael Jackson is dead. Fuck. I don't know why this is fucking with me so much. I saw that freaky bastard in concert once when I was a kid. It was all special and magical and every other cheesy thing his fans say about him. He delivered big-time. Fuck.

12:09 is when I tried not to care

There's a moment during the "behind the scenes" sequence of Orgy World 10.

Victoria Lan is laying back on the arm of a big red couch. There is a tall black guy fucking her while squeezing her neck. She's moaning loudly. He leans into her for a few more before unceremoniously getting up off her and walking away. Another dude walks right up and starts fucking her. Sadly, the camera cuts away right as the second guy starts to rail her.

There's something about her complete abandon in that moment that touches me way down in the marrow of my libido. She could give a fuck who sees her just kicked back on a couch getting cocked by one black dick after another, and loving every slightly hostile thrust. I dream of (and completely fear) having such a moment.

"There's something about a line of girls on their knees all ready to suck whatever cock you put in front of them. It changes a person."

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

11:53 is when I realized it was all my fault

Being naked all of the time is weirdo. I find myself running between the two mirrors in the house, critiquing my physique from different angles. It makes me want to do more coke and eat less food. I’ve been fucking with my weights a lot more, too. But then I’m up all night rubbing my penis to Aaralynn Barra videos instead of sleeping and then I’m Captain Zombie at work, which ironically flies by in no time.

So tonight I only snorted a couple lines of this crazy-ass new blow. It’s pretty intense, this batch. A couple of lines and the aforementioned Aaraynn Barra and blammo I’m shooting ropes of sweet, dirty loves into my KISS “Destroyer” boxer shorts. And then it’s been sucking the glass dick packed full of OG Kush that I’ve been kind of saving. And apple juice. A can of tuna (protein baby). Ah, I think I’ll be topping myself off tonight. I thought testosterone and jerking off were supposed to wane as we got older. Not so much.

I come from horny stock though. My dad was a whore and my brother impregnated as many women as would let him (it’s a surprisingly large number). I grew up on printed porn. Said bro amassed an impressive collection of nudie mags, from Playboy to Penthouse to old-school shit like Oui and Players. I was jerking off to Candy Loving in the upstairs bathroom by the time I was 11 and never looked back. Moms, keep your boys away from the porn for as long as possible. It changes things. Believe me.

The Asian and I have plans on Sunday. Alcohol and a concert by a good band are involved. I’m foreseeing some good old-fashioned tongue sucking at the very least. Uh huh yeah. I’m with that.

Barbie Cummings is my fucking hero


via videosift.com
Porn star gets pulled over. She's been drinking and has Ecstasy pills on her. Trooper discovers she's a porn star. What does the trooper do? Yup, you guessed it...

Two things


My ex is jonesing for some of this hot action right here. I can totally tell. She’s horny and wants me to give her a good pounding. Well, if I’m being honest, she’d probably let a number of guys fuck her right now. But I know her well enough to know that she isn’t ready to fuck anybody else yet. And no, I’m not fooling myself. Kudos to her if I am. Plus it would open all sorts of interesting doors between us. All I know is that Friday night, she’s opened the lane wide open to me. It wouldn’t take much for me to get up in that stuff. Back when we were having sex, it was always good sex. It wasn’t until the end that the fucking went south. I think a hot hook-up would do us both a world of good. We’ll see. Ah, I'm sure that after a couple of cocktails I'll be dragging her into the nearest dark corner. And more than a couple of cocktails will be consumed. Yay, pussy!

And two, tonight’s cum shot was courtesy of “Orgy World #10” (Evasive Angles). I’ve been a fan of the series since the first one, and this edition is among the best. There’s only one orgy on it, but it’s so overloaded with insanely hot bitches that it’s more than enough.

Since I’m trying to get to sleep earlier tonight, I just cut to the chase. All it took was the introduction of the girls and a good portion of the group blowjob scene for me to cum. And I came HARD tonight. I was watching this fine Asian slag blowing a thick black dick while my girl Victoria Lan is getting face-fucked right next to her. Man, the dick just kept throbbing with wave after wave of orgasmic deliciousness. Thank you, Vicky,

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

My kind of girl


The girl on the far left is a DJ. This pic was taken on an 8-day ‘swinger’s cruise.’ She was one of the DJs on the cruise. And that’s pretty much all I know about her.

Well, that and the fact that I’m totally in lust with her. She’s kind of my perfect girl. Nice plush body, thick lips and that look in her eye. Fuck, I’d love to be her date for the next cruise. Some dude is a seriously lucky bastard. Or maybe that dude needs to be me.

New Coke


Instead of hitting up my usual (read: cheaper) coke dealer, I decided to hit up my old-school guy. He’s the one that charges $15 more than my regular dude, but it’s usually better blow.

So I did a couple of lines about five minutes ago and already I know I made the right decision. This stuff is definitely better. I can feel the hairs on my arms tingling. I’m buzzing pretty good.

I just ordered up a new stack of porn DVDs. We have “Rocco Super Moto Hard,” which features an amazing orgy scene where queen Belladonna gets thoroughly fucked by Rocco.

The eloquently titled “Big Black Beef Stretches Little Pink Meat 2” was ordered for an interracial scene with the infamous Isabella Soprano, of HBO’s “Cathouse” fame (the one I would totally pay to fuck at the Bunny Ranch. But word on the street is that she’s all strung out and totally out of the game now).

The third is “Interracial Booty Patrol 3,” since Vol. 2 has proven to be a winning purchase.

I’m psyched to see them all, and it’ll be great to have some more Belladonna at my disposal.

I’ve always had a love for her. She’s always hot, but I loved it when she shaved her head. I was lucky enough to meet her when she first buzzed it off. It was at a cool Hollywood pool party, and she showed up with a couple of people (one was a dude I’ve seen in a million pornos).

Of course I had to talk to her. She was surprised that I recognized her with no hair. She was super-nice. We chatted for a minute, and I left her alone. We sort of ran into each other a couple of times, and by the end of the day she gave me her number and said we should hang out sometimes (true story!). That’s when she was living with fellow porn babe Callie Cox. Sadly, I had a girlfriend at the time and was unable to do anything about it. Regrets? Oh yes.

When I was single, I desperately rang the number, but she’d already changed it. Drats. Foiled again.

In public

My hottest gf was ironically enough my first gf. We were a couple of high school misfits that found randomly found each other at a local teenage hangout. She was from the suburbs and I was from the city. She had an almost-mohawk and wore her eyeliner like Siouxsie Sioux. Needless to say, I was immediately smitten.

Our first date ended up in a parked car behind her high school. We never looked back.

One of my favorite memories was when one of her best friends from high school got married not long after graduation. It was a surreal affair, on multiple levels. Needless to say, that marriage did not last long.

There was one weird moment during the reception, when the gf and I decided to take a walk around the grounds (wedding was held at a country club). We found this old-fashioned little bridge going over a tiny stream. We were standing on it when we realized that there was no one around—at all. We started making out, and soon I’d turned her around, lifted up her dress and was fucking her from behind on the bridge. We fucked for a good five minutes before the thrill was too much. That’s when I pulled my usual move of pushing her on her knees and coming on her face. But since we were still at this wedding party, she jammed my dick into her mouth so the cum shot straight down her throat instead of messing up her make-up.

The best part is that’s far from the freakiest story I have about that girl. She’s the one female I’ve known in my life that is (was, anyway) as sexually twisted as myself. Wait until I tell you about the bizarre orgy she took me to in college…

Summer weekend

Me, these two ladies in the hot tub, the hot tub (natch), a fresh mansion attached to said hot tub. A full kitchen, but we wouldn't use it that much, as there would be a half-kilo of the finest Peruvian cocaine on a tall, mirrored table in the bedroom.

Chloe Marshall, Miss Surrey 2008


Uuuuunnnnnnnnnnhhhhhhhh...(the sound of me cumming on her picture).

This lovely lass reminds me of the joys of high-grade marijuana and a couple of tubs of Ben & Jerry's ice cream. A long weekend in a resort hotel with this red-hot slab of heat would be too much fun. You know skinny bitches would be talking shit, while their men would be hiding the involuntary hard-ons when she walked by. Uh huh, yeah. I just hope that there's a man somewhere in the world that is working that ass OUT. I mean getting all up in those guts and churning that shit like butter. I am jealous of that man.

Chubby chasing tendencies


What can I say? I like a big bitch. There's nothing quite like the sensation of slapping up against a big, round belly while you're fucking a hot mamacita. Like these three--oh man I could have a field day with this buffet of belly. Hmmmmm good.

And look at this side of fuck-candy. Whew. That looks like the best amusement park ride ever created. And yes, I am a filthy sex-pig.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

My quest for better blow

I live in Los Angeles. I should be able to find that high-quality Hollywood Paris Hilton Britney Spears-grade cocaine.

Granted, I don’t hang out with that Sunset Strip douche bag crowd or anything. But cocaine is ultimately more about money that prestige. I just need to find my way next to one of these characters that deal the stuff.

No disrespect to either of my current coke-slingers, but it’s time to step it up a little.

It’s kind of like when I first started smoking pot. For a while, as long as it was marijuana, I was good. But then I needed to smoke better and better weed. Now I’m pissed if it’s anything less than Sour Diesel or OG Kush.

OK Los Angeles, where’s the stash? Who’s going to be the one to show me the way to snort like the stars?

I’m waiting.

Some of the nastiest shit I’ve ever done

I went to a birthday party tonight. But that’s irrelevant.

I met a drunk woman with killer tits that I talked to for a moment.

But she had eyes for another.

I went to the bathroom twice to do bumps of blow.

Left the party around midnight, really horny.

I got home and hit Craig’s List hard. I just started contacting these filthy slattern's under the "adult services" section until I hit pay-dirt.

A black chick hit me back. She would suck me off on the roof of a local Ralph’s supermarket for $80.

I drove to the Ralph’s and went inside. I got $80 from the ATM.

I got back in my car and cruised up to the rooftop parking structure.

There was a car like the chick described in her message. We parked next to each other at the back of the parking lot.

She got out of her car and approached mine.

Mid-20s, heavy-set black female. Wearing jeans and a plain t-shirt. Kind of tall, like 5-10. If you saw her on the street, you might actually give her a second look. She was kind of chunky, but nice brown skin and a pretty face.

She was kind of shy but very friendly and nice. I told her I wasn’t sure what to do. So she said to just help her out. So I pulled out my cock and she leaned over and started sucking it.

I reached under her t-shirt to grope on her fat titty. It was a nice one, with a thick pencil-eraser nipple on it.

She sucked me good for a couple of minutes. It was all very surreal. I’m in my car on the roof of a fucking Ralph’s, and this strange black bitch is sucking on my dick.

She stopped blowing me and started stroking. I told her to get back on it so I could blow in her mouth. She said there was no way I was cumming in her mouth. So I told her to just stroke it for me. A couple of minutes later I shot a big, goopy load all over her hand. She kind of laughed.

I gave her a paper towel to wipe her hand off. I asked if that was $80. She said yes. I handed her 4 twenty-dollar bills. She got out of the car and walked back towards her ride. I drove home and whacked off again to a video of a skinny white chick jerking off a really fat black guy’s nasty dick.

That was my Saturday night/Sunday morning. Oh look, it's the first day of summer. Off to an appropriately slutty start...

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Friday, June 19, 2009

I almost caught a coke whore tonight.

This is a picture I was sent in response to a posting I put up in the "Casual Encounters" section of Craig's List tonight.

I said I was looking for a dirty girl that wanted to get naked and play in the snow with me. This girl hit me up, and seemed genuine. So I hit her back, and she sent this in return, along with an intersection in West Hollywood and the statement "I want snow now."

But when I replied, she suddenly went silent. Fuck! Well, it feels like I'm getting closer...

UPDATE: After about a half-hour, I figured I wasn't going to hear from this chick. Since I was all wired from snorting through the better part of a gram, I decided to go for a quick ride, just for the hell of it. As I was getting in my car, a tranny-looking black hooker was crossing the street towards me. Swear. A sportscar pulled up and she hopped in. I know I'm fucking high as hell right now, but that really happened. On the way back, I stopped by my trusty 7-11 and grabbed myself another big Newcastle Ale (xTx holla!).

When I get back to the computer, there are two messages from the girl. Figures. The first one is all "you've got snow, right?" The second message had a phone number and "call me let's get together."

My heart is racing at this point, but I quickly dialed the number. I'm gonna lick on some nipples while this girl--a fucking stranger--snorts my drugs. Just the thought of it makes me hard. But it goes to a machine, and then the machine says it's full. Hmmmm. Interesting. I emailed her back, but another half-hour later, nothing. Huh.

Portrait #1: coked out nipple

Last night’s cum shot: I gots some work to do

I didn’t post about last night’s blast-off, as I was studying a couple of new DVDs that showed up in the post yesterday.

Last week I discovered that Sensational Video sells their DVDs online for next to nothing. We’re talking brand new discs for as a low as 99 cents. And not just crappy, really old ones either.

Last week I ordered Big Black Dicks Dirty White Tricks 2 and All Amateur Video #34: Gangbangs Galore. The first one cost me a single buck, the latter was a whopping two. With shipping, the whole package was barely $10.

These tapes are nasty—and in the best way possible.

Let’s start with Big Black Dicks Dirty White Tricks 2. This DVD is pretty straightforward. Skanky, kind of regular looking white sluts getting banged by big-ass black dudes.

There are four scenes, each one pretty hot. I’m especially partial to a scene with “Friday.”

This whore has massive fake tits, and boy, does she ever get fucked by homeboy. Dude is big, with kind of a bear-belly, bald head and thick cock. These two get so into it, there are sequences where I swear they forget there’s even a camera there.

The guy is fucking Friday like she’s the love of his life. He “sets up shop” as I like to say in different positions and let’s her have for these long, drawn-out stretches.

She’s loving it, and comes twice. He eventually pumps her like crazy on the floor before oozing a chunky load down her face and tits.

There's another great clip of this black dude that looks to be in his mid-40s fucking this cute little blond with short hair called "Sunset Rivers." The best sequence is when he's reaming her like dog on the couch, and after and while she's like, "No, no, hold on."

The guy just looks at her and says, "Oh, yes, yes," and rams her for another good ten minutes before demanding that she "Come here" (he has to tell her twice) so he can shoot on her face.

That’s kind of the M.O. on this DVD. These give their girls some of the most thorough fucking I’ve ever seen in porn. Just real grimy, all up in that sweetness, behind-the-barn old-school boning.

These guys are my new fuck heroes, and there isn't a bad scene in the bunch.

As for last night’s cum shot, oh man. All Amateur Video #34: Gangbangs Galore is one of the weirdest DVDs I’ve ever watched. I’ll get into more detail later, but watching this skinny little skank that goes by “Candy” catch three loads in the face (including one that goes straight into her mouth, and another that rips straight up her nose I swear it is so fucking sick it’s hot). I spewed rather easily to that nonsense.

Since it's Friday, I'm blowing a bunch of lines and reviewing what I watched last night. So nice.

She


She’s young, no more than 23. Recently graduated from USC. Bottle blond, and a good 12 pounds heavier than what’s considered acceptable in most of greater Los Angeles, with nice fat tits on top.

Not very sophisticated, as best evidenced by the garish manner in which she wears her make-up. But she’s as genuine as a beautiful day, and right now her attention is focused on you.

“I’ve always loved your writing,” she coos.

This is the kind of fuel you respond to well. You feel the confidence rising. You could totally fuck this sweet young girl. You could pin her to her ratty little post-collegiate couch, legs pushed back over her head, and just hump to your heart’s content.

You feel your penis begin to thicken. The better for gagging her with, you think to yourself as she smiles and invites you out to the bar. You notice that while she was in the bathroom, she’s swept her hair dramatically to one side. On closer inspection, she resembles Drew Barrymore in the original “Poison Ivy” movie.

“I’m ready for the bar now,” she laughs. “See? I did my hair special and everything.”

You play it cool, talk to some other people, drink a little more wine.

Later, she hugs you and says it was great to see you. You return the sentiment.

As you’re walking to your desk, you see her talking to Paul. She’s showing him how she did her hair special for the bar. You smile to yourself.

This is going to be one interesting summer.

Fuck you, Uncle Sam. Now pay me.


The U.S. government is fucking me. And not in the good way.

It kind of figures. For the first time in my life, I got my act together and went to an accountant. A really good accountant.

He showed me a myriad of things I could write off, and when all was said and done my refund was the largest it’s ever been. By a country mile. I’ve never gotten back thousands of dollars before. 2009 was gonna rock, baby!

And then, the fuckers must’ve just decided that I wasn’t worth that much money. They probably got wind of the fact that I’m just out here coasting through life and did not earn the right to get back so much of my hard-earned dough that I involuntarily send to their diamond toilet and gold-plated yacht fund every year.

I had to go so far as to file a claim with the U.S. government to either track down the original check (which some online robot swears was mailed out) or eventually send me a replacement check.

Of course, the paltry little California state return came back with a quickness. Bah! Sure, you owed my that chunk of change, and I’m glad you were man enough to pay it, Mr. California. But can you please say something to yer boy America? There’s a kilo of cocaine, a gross of condoms and a week fucking as many dirty hookers as (in)humanly possible in Amsterdam between raiding coffee shops for their supplies of Sour Diesel buds in my future whenever they gimme my $$$$. That shit is gonna be epic.

Leighton Meester is a dirty kitty


They had me at "foot job."

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Persian heat

Just got back from my 7-11.

When I walked in, these two Persian babes stopped and checked me out for a second.

Both of them were pretty fugly, and older than their outfits would have one think. They probably thought the same about me, because we all went on about our business.

I grabbed a big Newscatle beer and got behind these chicks in line.

The shorter one in the thin gray sweatpants is standing in front of me, rifling through her purse. She has the most incredible ass. Like the kind that sits up real nice and high, really tight, curvy like a tiny basketball. Her pants had lodged between her ass cheeks, truly showing off just how fucking hot it looked.

I’ve always wanted to ball a Persian. They look like they would get really nasty in bed. Don’t ask me why. And I'm now officially on a crusade to bring back the phrase "to ball" in regards to sex. Maybe because it kind of sounds greasy, like coating your balls in KY and then rubbing them all over a nice pussy. That's some old-school shit right there.

Full disclosure: Also hit the BK drive-thru on the way back. Ordered a Whopper Jr with no mayo, and the 4-piece chicken things on the 'value' menu. They came out shaped like stars and lightning bolts. Wha?

Giving thanks for the bounty that is Salena Castro


The next time I snort a rail of premium blow off of a chick's tits, I'm holding out for a pair something like these. Mmmmmmmmmm.

Unfucked


Dr. Drew has got my number.

OK, I’m far too old to be listening to the good doc on the “Loveline” radio show, but whenever I find myself in the car between the hours of 10PM-midnight, I can’t resist tuning in and listening to the kiddies talk about the dirty dirty.

But every once in a while, that damn Dr. Drew will just nail me. Like last night.

A girl called in and asked about her fixation on extremely rough sex. Of course, Drew got her to admit lots of childhood molestation and serious abandonment issues.

The guest was Andrew WK, who actually piped in with a sensible question for Drew: Would indulging in these sexual activities, would the caller be able to ‘work out’ some of her issues with them? Drew bummed me out by saying oh hell no.

The way Drew sees it, indulging in such sexual compulsions doesn’t help the psyche work through them, but actually cements them even deeper into the subconscious. Oh, great.

He went on to encourage the caller to basically reset her sexuality with a long period of abstinence followed by getting involved in close relationships minus the sex. In essence, getting comfortable with being close to someone without having to have them give it to you up the butt while choking you out, that sort of thing. On this point, I have to call bullshit on the good doctor.

That was pretty much my M.O. with my last girlfriend. I was going to really get to know this girl, become her friend, and not just reduce her to a sex object. Guess what happened? We ended becoming such good friends that the sex eventually just… went away. And neither of us said much about it.

By the time we did address the issues, it was already too late to salvage things. I had un-fucked my way out of a relationship.

It’s almost laughable to me. Me, the raging sex addict that has to cum at least twice a day, lost a girl for not fucking her enough. Now that’s just rich. It doesn’t help that she’s the most together woman I’ve ever been with. She’s got her proverbial shit together and is doing good things with her life. Meanwhile, I’m blowing lines, following porn stars on Twitter and jerking of to xTx’s blog.

Ah, good for the ex-girlfriend for getting the hell out while the getting was good. I mean, I’m sure we’re not done done. Not quite yet, anyway. She’s definitely left the door open for me. I just have to get my act together and fly right. And oh yeah, she’s also trolling for a proposal—which is the real reason we’re no longer together, if I’m being honest.

She’s ready to make that move and I’m just not. Typical. But when you’re contemplating ringing up the Moolight Bunny Ranch in Reno for a session with Jordan Soprano, it’s kind of obvious that marriage is not exactly a priority for me right now…

Newsflash: Bang Bros/Fuck Team 5 crew arrested while filming

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Trashy


This is Bobbi Starr at the 2009 Erotica L.A. Awards, after hours. She'd only need to lean forward ever so slightly for me to hike up that dress and start reaming her. Perfect. OK, maybe I'd grab a milk crate from under that table for better alignment. Then as we fucked, people would hand her their trash instead of putting it in themselves. If there's something in the trash she's handed that she fancies, like say some soggy French Fries, she wouldn't hesitate to scarf them down. She saves a couple of stale nachos for me to cum on, since the dude tossing them had scraped out all of the cheese whiz.

Sometimes


Sometimes I want to be the guy these girls beg for attention from. The guy that doesn't have to do anything but stand there as they each try to out-slut each other, fingering themselves, sucking on their own nipples, eventually turning their affections on each other.

All of this is done for you (or in this case, me). The observer, the one that holds a key to them finally feeling that ever elusive feeling, the one that's always just a line/shot/fuck/blowjob away.

I want to stand there laughing on the deck of a boat on Lake Havasu, drunk and sloppy, laughing as one in the middle falls to her knees, pulls out my cock and starts sucking on it. The one on the right joins her, as the older one on the far left starts whispering all kinds of nasty shit in my ear, calling me her filthy nigger and sinking her nails into the flesh of my ass. I save my cum for when my penis is buried to the hilt in hers. The crowd cheers as she takes it doggystyle, the other two girls smacking both sides of her ass raw.

Sometimes, I just want to be that guy.

Sour Diesel


As I was marveling at the extra cocaine my man slipped my tonight, I forgot to mention the weed. Dude got his hands on the almighty Sour Diesel, my favorite strain of the countless strains I've sampled over the years. If you ever find yourself within the vicinity of someone puffing on the Sour D, do yourself a favor and hit that deliciousness.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

xTx made me cum


There are a lot of reasons why I write these words. One of the main reasons is xTx.

When she showed up this afternoon unannounced and unexpected, I kind of freaked. Here I was feeling like I was alone and who’s been standing around the corner at least for a minute? The goddess herself.

Needless to say, her presence was more than a little overwhelming. What were words on a page became flesh, mutating into what seemed like an army of gorgeous women, who descended on me like those vampire whores consumed Keanu Reeves in that Dracula movie.

They took what they wanted from me as she looked on silently. But it was her gaze that did it. Well, that and the fact she never once looked away as she approached, pulled my head back and then every so slowly drooled a huge, thick rope of spit into my mouth that she had two of her words-turned-sex-minions hold it open for her.

Seeing her watching me like this was all it took, and cum and energy flowed from my balls so freely and couldn’t help but let out a shocked groan of disbelief mixed with immeasurable pleasure.

Thank you, xTx. Words cannot describe the endless joy you so graciously bestow on us. But I will do my best to show my appreciation in other, more primal ways. And know that there are always endless lines of blow and bowls packed with the kindest bud at your disposal. Always. In your honor, I snort the last line of the night.

(*sniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiifffffffffffffffffffff*)

Asia major


Now that was an interesting evening. The kind that remind me just how good I’ve got it in life right now. It’s taken a lifetime to achieve, but I’m here. It’s not exactly where I want to end up, for right now, it’s really good.

Of course, when your work allows one to sit across from an incredibly fine young Japanese girl trading pleasantries over dinner and drinks, it’s easy to feel good.

While I’m far from it, it feels like I work in the service energy. All smiles and handshakes, making people feel good, especially about me.

(*hold on while I snort this line*)

OK, where was I?

So this luscious little Asian honey inevitably did that girl thing of mentioning her boyfriend. I was fine with it. Not that I wouldn’t have enjoyed peeling her down to her tight little body and slowly licking her pussy until she screamed at the top of her lungs. That thought definitely crossed my mind a couple of times. I imagined spreading her out right there on the table in front of everyone, gently teasing her wet pussy with the tip of my big fat… you get the picture.

But it was all professionalism on my part. We played our respective roles well, and everyone left happy.

That’s when I headed back to the big bad city to meet my trusted drug dealer to get my hands on da goods.

Like I mentioned earlier, I wanted to stock up since he’s gonna be outta town for a while. But when he handed me the package, he made sure to mention that he’d put a little bonus in there for me. When I go home and opened it up, he’d thrown in close to an extra gram of blow. That’s when you know that either your drug dealer really appreciates your business, of that you’ve become one hell of a coke-snortin’, weed-smoking fiend. In my case, it’s a little bit of both.

(*OK, time for another line*)

The whole time I was sitting there with this girl, she reminded me of someone. But I just couldn’t place it. It was kind of making me crazy. Then, driving home, it hit me. She looked just like the girl that jerked me off at a massage parlor once.

I recently stated that I’d never had sex with an Asian woman. Well, that’s not entirely true.

A few years ago, I suffered a pretty brutal break-up. In the aftermath, I spent a lot of time getting really fucked up and doing fucked up things.

One Saturday I’d started blowing lines early in the afternoon. But the evening, I was high as fuck, and hornier than I’d been in a long time. I’d been watching porn, but it just wasn’t enough. That’s when I decided to take my first trip to one of L.A.’s notorious massage parlors.

I knew there was a place not too far from my apartment known for cute little Asian girls and happy endings. So my coked-out ass goes over there. I paid this older Asian woman $50 and she directed me to a small room, bare expect for a massage table and a dresser. She told me to strip and lay down under the towel. She left. I did what she said.

A few moments later, a gorgeous young Asian girl, no more than 19 or 20, walks in. She was slight, but had this rather massive set of obviously fake tits poking out from this weird dressing gown-like this she was wearing.

After a very quick and half-hearted back rub, she tapped me on the shoulder.

“You tip me for extra?” she asked sweetly. I was prepared. I handed her the $65 I’d been clutching in my hand. She counted it and sat in on the stool next to her. She motioned for me to turn over. She then unceremoniously squirted some lube on her hands, grabbed my cock and started stroking.

She had skills, and it didn’t take long for me to get rock-hard. She just kind of half-smiled at me as she stroked, allowing me to push back her dressing gown to fondle her tits.

A few minutes of this action and I was definitely ready to spew. She must’ve felt me tensing up, because just as I was about to cum she pointed my cock back at my stomach.

I’m sure it was the coke, but I was quick-thinking enough to grab my cock out of her hand and stroked it off right onto her left tit (she was standing over my on my left side as I lay on my back). A huge glob of it stuck, dripping down off of her nipple. She kind of sighed and wiped it off with a tissue, handing me a couple to wipe myself up. She stood there quietly as I got dressed, and walked me to the lobby. She turned and left without saying a word.

If I’m ever in a pinch for masturbatory material, memories of that encounter never fail to do the trick.

Speaking of cocaine…

I’m re-upping my supply tonight, and this time from my regular dealer. He’s been MIA lately, so I had to resort to my back-up dealer, which has been a hassle. This one is further away, charges $15 more per gram, and his stuff is a little too tweaked-out for my tastes.

But my primary dealer finally got back to me, and we’re connecting tonight. I usually just get a gram at a time, but as he’s going out of town until next week (and I have a potential coke slut on the line for this weekend), I’m going to double up. We haven’t moved up to 8-ball territory—yet.

I’ll also be sure to grab an eighth of weed while I’m there. He’s always got some nice buds on hand. Goooood times.

Trolling for drug buddies and coke sluts

I’m on a quest to locate at least one (preferably more!) seriously down and dirty coke slut to party with. You know the type—the chicks that are eager to get naked, snort up lines of blow and fuck.

This is L.A. so I would imagine there are plenty of these fuck-toys running around town. I’ve connected with a couple of potential coke whores on Craig’s List. Even better, there’s a chick I used to work with that I know is a coke fiend that just hit me up out of the blue lately. She’s a hot Asian babe(!) that I’ve made out with a couple of times. The last time we made out (at a bar), she let me know in very frank terms: whenever I wanted to hook up, she was down for it.

Her only stipulation being that we both be single at the same time. Well, guess what? We’re both single at the same time. I have a feeling that she caught wind of my relationship status, which is why she’s hitting me up now.

We’re planning on getting together this weekend and just “hanging out.” We’ll see what happens, but I have a very good feeling about this one—especially between my legs.

Fun fact: While I’ve messed around with a few Asian babes, I’ve never had the pleasure of a full-on fuck session. Wish me luck.

Sexy tatted-up sluts @ Erotica LA 2009

Alanah Rae looking fucking hot at Erotica LA 2009

Such a pretty face...


She's a cutie, right? I certainly think so. I'm hoping that behind those lovely eyes and fetching smile lurks a down and dirty party girl ready to play. Stay tuned...

She has the best ass ever


When times were good with her, they were really good. We had lots of really hot, fun sex that I'll always remember fondly.

There were nights when we'd do e and really go for it. Again, memories I'll cherish forever.

Even the nights we got naked, blew lines and played dirty. Those were kind of the best.

Thanks for the memories, miss thing. Maybe--just maybe--our paths will cross again...

(needless to say, this photo set was the source of tonight's cum shot).