Malibu dream house

My Malibu mansion is a lovely place (such a lovely place).

It is kept safe by a crack security detail made up entirely of bikini-clad 'suicide' girls armed with tasers and Dobermann Pinschers. It's the last place Mischa Barton was seen before being checked into a mental hospital for "observation." It's where Lindsay Lohan comes to relax and do her drugs in peace. "True Blood" has filmed at least one orgy scene in the backyard. Belladonna christened the pool with a massive squirt. Ashley Dupree works out of the pool house around the first of the month like clockwork. Julie Night serves as my personal assistant/fluffer. And believe you me, she earns her money. Stevie Hart did all of the murals throughout the place. D'Angelo is secretly recording his comeback album in the basement studio. Kanye West has been barred from the premises until further notice. Prince got scared off by what he called 'scary death-sex vibes," while Marilyn Manson refuses to take no for an answer. The only people with keys are myself and Kate Hudson (she's a good friend, pays most of the monthly mortgage and is always up for a quick fuck when she's around).

I really need to spend more time there. It's such a lovely place (such a lovely place).

New Coke

Instead of hitting up my usual (read: cheaper) coke dealer, I decided to hit up my old-school guy. He’s the one that charges $15 more than my regular dude, but it’s usually better blow.

So I did a couple of lines about five minutes ago and already I know I made the right decision. This stuff is definitely better. I can feel the hairs on my arms tingling. I’m buzzing pretty good.

I just ordered up a new stack of porn DVDs. We have “Rocco Super Moto Hard,” which features an amazing orgy scene where queen Belladonna gets thoroughly fucked by Rocco.

The eloquently titled “Big Black Beef Stretches Little Pink Meat 2” was ordered for an interracial scene with the infamous Isabella Soprano, of HBO’s “Cathouse” fame (the one I would totally pay to fuck at the Bunny Ranch. But word on the street is that she’s all strung out and totally out of the game now).

The third is “Interracial Booty Patrol 3,” since Vol. 2 has proven to be a winning purchase.

I’m psyched to see them all, and it’ll be great to have some more Belladonna at my disposal.

I’ve always had a love for her. She’s always hot, but I loved it when she shaved her head. I was lucky enough to meet her when she first buzzed it off. It was at a cool Hollywood pool party, and she showed up with a couple of people (one was a dude I’ve seen in a million pornos).

Of course I had to talk to her. She was surprised that I recognized her with no hair. She was super-nice. We chatted for a minute, and I left her alone. We sort of ran into each other a couple of times, and by the end of the day she gave me her number and said we should hang out sometimes (true story!). That’s when she was living with fellow porn babe Callie Cox. Sadly, I had a girlfriend at the time and was unable to do anything about it. Regrets? Oh yes.

When I was single, I desperately rang the number, but she’d already changed it. Drats. Foiled again.