I used to be such a romantic

I was reminded of that fact tonight when the movie “Valley Girl” popped up on WGN.

Long before the days of cocaine, group sex and choking chicks during hook-ups, I was a genuine romantic. Like one of those completely hapless schmos in bad romantic comedies starring that assshat Matthew McI’llneverspellhisnamerightsofuckit. Shitty flicks that I end up watching alone when they come on basic cable. Truth be told, I was damn near John fucking Cusack.

Now, I’m a dirty fuck-pig that jerks off to the most disgusting porn imaginable while snorting lines of blow.

So: What the fuck happened?

I think I could have overlooked all of the random relationship bullshit if it wasn’t for, you know, her. The college girlfriend that got away. The one I wasn’t WASP enough or Dr. enough to keep. The one I let really fuck me up good.

All of the stupid shit I did after she finally dumped me—the acid, nights spent in that dank fucking basement living with that evil man. I was so bummed the fuck out. I felt worthless and treated myself like shit. I just kind of shuffled through life for those years after it was over.

God, that night I talked that girl to my bedroom in a house in suburban Detroit. She had just turned 16 and I knew it. I was more than 10 years her senior. But in the end, I went all “Catcher in the Rye” and just stroked her hair while she slept. I’ll never forget the looks on my roommates’ faces when I walked her out the next morning. She looked no more that 12 under the harsh sunlight and without her mask of makeup.

There were years of just moving forward without really thinking, just existing, paying bills, feeding my face, buying the stupid shit I though I needed but only just held me back.

I just got emotionally hard, I guess. There are only so many empty nights of getting loaded alone a person can take.

I don’t expect love and affection anymore. I expect tension and confrontation and friction. And more than anything, I just want life to be as stress-free as possible. Snorting coke until I’m numb and jerking off to orgy porn is one hell on an anesthetic let me tell you.

My poor ex. All she wants is to love and be loved, like most people in the world. She has done and will do anything for me. And I treat her like shit. I’d rather have violent, slightly hostile drunken/drugged hook-ups with Sex Bomb. In short, I’m completely fucked up.

Enjoy the show.