Roger that

Look, you can lick my asshole all day. Shove your tongue deep in my sphincter and toss that salad like you work at the Olive Garden. I’ll love every minute of it.

But know that my asshole will be squeaky clean. It will smell faintly of soap, if anything other than washed skin. Because I am not down with anything scat. It’s just nasty. We are the clean people. CleanCleanClean. Everything smells nice and feels supple. That’s just how we roll. Pussy juice? You betcha. Sperm? All day baby. Believe that.

Otherwise, we keep it so fresh and so clean. No STDs of any kind, ever. And we’re keeping it that way. Join our club, sexy.

I am the perfect amount of drunk right now. I had what, four cocktails? And not just any garden variety, industry standard jack and coke bullshit. I’m talking about the finest fucking cocktails Los Angeles has to offer. You don’t even know, mother fucker.

OK, shit. It’s late, I’m drunk and there’s a TV commercial for Absolut vodka that uses a faithful cover of New Order’s “Ceremony” as the music. I love that song so much. The original, anyway. Do I feel all self-righteous and superior to the cover version in the commercial? Nah. It reminds me of how awesome the original is, and I’m gonna dial it up in my iTunes right now. Mission accomplished.

You need to listen to Digable Planets. The album is called “Blowout Comb.” It’s on my list of the 50 greatest albums ever recorded. They talk about “Creamy Spies.” Creamy spies are real, OK? They just are.

My friend wants to start a porn star fantasy camp. I think it’s a great idea. I already know the girls I’d recruit for it: Julie Night, Hillary Scott, Vanessa Lan, Tera Lynn Fox, Lisa Sparxxx, Aaralyn Barra, Julia Bond, Lisa Marie, Whitney Stevens, Whitney’s sister Britney Stevens and Missy Monroe are just some of the first slatterns I would contact to be a part of it.

And being one of the event organizers, I’d be able to do all sorts of disgusting things with these professional whores, which is the whole point. Suck it, bitch. That’s right, take the whole thing down your throat and just hold it there while tears run down your face. Lick my balls while you’re at it, whore. Yeah, like that.

My perfect girl? Today, Amanda Blank. She’s sweet, tender and knows how to get nasty when it’s time to get nasty. And that long, lean body with the fat pussy and bubble booty? On a white girl? I’d marry that girl tomorrow, treat her like the queen she is and fuck her like the whore she knows how to be.

Even though it’s after midnight, I said fuck it and did a bump of coke. Life is short. Blow me. No, really. Blow me.