Black Ego

I have this problem of just not thinking. I feel like some kind of fucking animal the way I just act/react without thinking things through first.

It started innocently enough on a cold, rainy Saturday morning in L.A. Log onto Youtube for a little music. A few tunes in, and I somehow stumbled across this one band I haven’t listened to in forever.

Many moons ago back when I still just another clueless college student trying not to flunk out, I listened to this band a LOT. Like, obsessively so. When they came to my college town, it was an epic night. It was also the night my long-time girlfriend came face to face with this girl I was completely infatuated with at the time. But that’s a whole other story entirely.

Anyway, I started playing videos from this band, and holy fuck did it take me back. Everything—the fashions, the beats, the hairstyles(!!!)—It all just screamed of a very particular era in my life, when it seemed like anything was possible. I remembered the way I felt about life back then, and all of the hopes/dreams I had pinned on my future.

I guess this is where I have to ask myself: “WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED, DOOD?!”

Story of my life. It’s all right there in front of me, but I somehow find new and innovative ways to completely fuck it all up.

All of these years later, listening to this music only reminds me of what could (and should) have been. It reminds me that the love of my entire life is married to another man and expecting her second child. It reminds me that I’m possibly lonelier than I’ve ever been in my entire life.

Ah, whatever. I’m going to SF on Thursday for a nice, long weekend of working out the kinks. It’s a start, anyway…