Heaven must be like this

When I'm dead, just burn me up and toss half of my ashes over here. I'll let you know what to do with the other half soon enough.

High

I’m remembering why I was such a stoner in college.

I was an uptight, naïve kid that needed to loosen up. Marijuana absolutely did the trick.

There are the fondest of memories inside a tiny bedroom in an attic apartment in a particular Midwestern college town. Sitting in front of a cheap department store stereo, baked out of my mind on the sorriest excuse for weed my stoner roommates could help me score.

I’d sit there and listen to the Smashing Pumpkins and My Bloody Valentine and just bug the fuck out. Drink some cheap beer (usually some Busch Light Draft in cans, God help us all), maybe nom out on some Little Debbie snack cakes from the store on the corner. Life was good.

Riding my girlfriend’s purple bike across campus late at night, imagining all of the brilliant and amazing things we were going to do together. Our babies would be so beautiful she would laugh in that tinkly laugh that would never fail to make my insides flutter. I was young, brash, so very ready to rule my corner of the world with this gorgeous woman next to me, making me better just by her presence.

Of course none of it came to pass. I just saw pictures of her first baby on Facebook. Another man’s child, so innocent and sweet, unknowing of the twist inside my gut at the sight of him.

When it was all said and done, the only thing left was me, a duffel bag and an eighth of marijuana in an SRO hotel in Chicago.

I haven’t thought of the Chicago years in forever. Not really. That was such a severe time. There was a period where I was living in the Ambassador East hotel on somebody else’s dime, for fuck’s sake. What? How did any of that ever happen is so beyond me now.

To have made it through all of that to get here now is why I’m doing what I’m about to do. I didn’t survive all of THAT only to just kind of drift away. The plan was set a long time ago. I’ve just been taking my time about putting it into effect now that we’re here.

When I burn through yet another bowl of this designer marijuana that I now have delivered to my door, it somehow connects me to that dork in college trying so desperately to fit in, and get laid, and build something that would last forever. Two out of three ain’t bad.

I wanna do it like we used to do it.

Just get drunk and fuck. A lot.

Like when my friend D had that tequila party. The deal was you had to bring a bottle of tequila—any kind, shape, size, whatever—to get into the party. And no two for one bullshit. Each person had to have their own individual bottle.

I brought a bottle of Cuervo. It’s all I really knew at the time, and definitely all I could afford. I walked over to the party which was on the furthest reaches of campus.

It was a surprisingly cool party. Everything was midnight blue and darker.

I ended up in the basement with a sorority girl that I’d fucked for the first time the weekend prior. She was a sexy little thing, with a tight body and lots of curly, blond hair. “Don’t mess with Texas” is what I called her.

But her and I ended up in the basement of the tequila party. She was sitting on a countertop, and I was standing in between her legs. She was wearing a small skirt. I touched her through her panties. They were soaking wet.

I pushed up against her. I pulled my hard cock out of my overalls (hey, it was the ‘90s. Sue me) and rubbed it against her vulva. She moaned in my ear.

“Don’t you DARE fuck me here,” she sighed breathlessly. The basement was almost pitch dark, with a dim black light in the corner providing the only light. I moved in closer. I pulled her panties aside. And I slid inside her dewy yum yum.

“Don’t you DARE cum inside me,” she moaned, as I subtly thrust into her chewy strawberry swirl. Knowing that people were standing just a few feet away from us turned me on like craaaaazy.

I think she was feeling it too. She put her head down, wrapped a hand around my neck and ground her pussy down onto my dick. This went on for about 20 minutes.

I barely remember us stumbling across campus to her sorority house, laughing and taking swings from our almost empty bottles of tequila.

We fucked like dogs in her bed, until I finally came with a sharp, almost painful orgasm deep inside her little vagina. There was a rubber in between us, obvs. I kind of remember a couple of her sorority sisters trying to sneak in to watch. Texas and I both noticed them, but played it off. We were full-blown porn stars that night, baby. They left in a flurry of shocked giggles right after I came.

I also distinctly remember leaving the condom under her bed because I was too tired to try and find the bathroom naked in some Greek house.

Texas and I eventually both passed out, stinking drunk.

I woke up in the wee morning hours, and took probably the happiest walk of shame home of my entire life. There's something magical about a college campus at dawn. Plus you see the craziest shit.

That was a good really good day. I would imagine raisin French toast from Angelo's was involved.