Well then

There I was, all smug with my neat little plan. Folded so perfectly on my sparkling clean desk.

Everything in a row, 1, 2, 3, 4.

And then I saw it. A cockroach. In MY apartment.

There are only a few odd and completely random things that literally terrify me. On that list are fucking cockroaches.

I’ve lived in this place for years now. It’s got ups and downs, like most living situations. One of the biggest pluses was the fact that the house is regularly sprayed for roaches. Hence, I’ve never had to deal with those…things.

Roaches have breached my space here exactly two times. Both times I freaked the fuck out. The first time my gf of the era handled it. The second time, I somehow made it happen.

And then, around 1AM last night, I saw it. It was perched on one of the three living room windowsills. Fuuuuuck me.

I’m kind of shaking inside. Oh man. I’m squinting so it only appears as a scary, dark blur. I throw a shoe at it. Twice. The third time the roach falls to the floor and makes a break for it. I lose my fucking mind. I start smashing it with a shoe. Somehow, it remains unfazed, and just kind of hops back and forth in front of the window. Ooooh SHIT. I gotta really go in and do this.


The roach leaps onto the wall and I unleash the fucking fury. I’m hammering his roach ass like there is no tomorrow. I see a couple of parts splinter off, and realize it’s finally stopped moving.


I’m breathing like a crazy bastard and my heart is pounding. I have a vague recollection of screaming “DIE YOU FUCKER JUST FUCKING DIE!” a couple of times. I cover the roach’s splattered carcass with the murder weapon: a grey Nike hiking shoe. 

My cell phone rings. It’s the landlord from downstairs.

“Are you OK?” She loud-whispers. “What’s going on up there?” 

I apologize profusely and explain the scenario. She kind of chuckles and says she understands. I guess the guys that spray the house missed a month or something. Says she had ‘a little one’ in her kitchen. I’m like, fuck, OK. Thanks for, um, letting me know.

And then today happened. I guess it wasn’t fully unexpected, especially after the roach. They’re like harbingers of doom. Because the third time a goddamned cockroach got into my space, I woke up and it all kind of…fell over.

It’s funny, because after the whole roach debacle, I accidentally set off one my smoke alarms (which is for some retarded, yes, retarded reason is hooked up to my remote control? Um, hello?). And when it did, I said out loud “It’s all coming apart.”

And then it did some more and for real though.

Thankfully, my karma account seems to be well up to date, because there is a potential jaybeez to the remedy coming together tomorrow afternoon. It was originally scheduled for today, which is even craaaaazier.

I’m telling you, this shit is for real. It’s all for real. I’m excited.