Stoned like dem white boys

I had the best fucking idea tonight.

I swear it’s like Will Farrell in that scene in “Old School” during the debate.

The one where he like blacks out and suddenly just knows all of this shit. Then he snaps out of it and he’s back to his regular doltish self.

That’s just what it’s like.

I went to my 7-11 and in honor off xTx, procured a man-size bottle of Newcastle Nut Brown Ale. I’m drinking that sexy bitch right now.

I love the movie “Forgetting Sarah Marshall.” Watching it right now.

“This ain’t the breakfast buffet!”

Made a low-key run to the border. Crunchy taco ‘al fresco.’

“Give me dirty crime scene girl.”

Watching this movie, I realize that one of the things I like about Sex Bomb is that she reminds of a grown-up, hyper-sexual drunk and drugged out version of Mila Kunis. Damn, that’s one hell of a description. But hey, if I’m lying…

I live on a street in Los Angeles where so many of my life decisions are determined by parking. And that shit ain’t right. There are only so many places to park on the street around my house. There are a shitload of cars trying to park in them.

Just going to 7-11 and Toxic Hell (which took all of 20 minutes) I still ended up having to battle an SUV for me spot.

How fucked up is it that PARKING determines my moves at night. The college me would be calling me WEAK right now.

Fuck that shit. I’m slamming a big-ass Newcastle and knocking back a couple of tacos. I’m in college shape, bitches. I did a vodka shot earlier. I’ve got these youngsters. They can’t get down like this. I learned from the masters.

"You need to penetrate deeply and stimulate the clitoris."

It’s 1:11—make a wish.

"You've got Christ between your thighs--only with a shorter beard."

I almost caught a coke whore tonight.

This is a picture I was sent in response to a posting I put up in the "Casual Encounters" section of Craig's List tonight.

I said I was looking for a dirty girl that wanted to get naked and play in the snow with me. This girl hit me up, and seemed genuine. So I hit her back, and she sent this in return, along with an intersection in West Hollywood and the statement "I want snow now."

But when I replied, she suddenly went silent. Fuck! Well, it feels like I'm getting closer...

UPDATE: After about a half-hour, I figured I wasn't going to hear from this chick. Since I was all wired from snorting through the better part of a gram, I decided to go for a quick ride, just for the hell of it. As I was getting in my car, a tranny-looking black hooker was crossing the street towards me. Swear. A sportscar pulled up and she hopped in. I know I'm fucking high as hell right now, but that really happened. On the way back, I stopped by my trusty 7-11 and grabbed myself another big Newcastle Ale (xTx holla!).

When I get back to the computer, there are two messages from the girl. Figures. The first one is all "you've got snow, right?" The second message had a phone number and "call me let's get together."

My heart is racing at this point, but I quickly dialed the number. I'm gonna lick on some nipples while this girl--a fucking stranger--snorts my drugs. Just the thought of it makes me hard. But it goes to a machine, and then the machine says it's full. Hmmmm. Interesting. I emailed her back, but another half-hour later, nothing. Huh.

Persian heat

Just got back from my 7-11.

When I walked in, these two Persian babes stopped and checked me out for a second.

Both of them were pretty fugly, and older than their outfits would have one think. They probably thought the same about me, because we all went on about our business.

I grabbed a big Newscatle beer and got behind these chicks in line.

The shorter one in the thin gray sweatpants is standing in front of me, rifling through her purse. She has the most incredible ass. Like the kind that sits up real nice and high, really tight, curvy like a tiny basketball. Her pants had lodged between her ass cheeks, truly showing off just how fucking hot it looked.

I’ve always wanted to ball a Persian. They look like they would get really nasty in bed. Don’t ask me why. And I'm now officially on a crusade to bring back the phrase "to ball" in regards to sex. Maybe because it kind of sounds greasy, like coating your balls in KY and then rubbing them all over a nice pussy. That's some old-school shit right there.

Full disclosure: Also hit the BK drive-thru on the way back. Ordered a Whopper Jr with no mayo, and the 4-piece chicken things on the 'value' menu. They came out shaped like stars and lightning bolts. Wha?