Stoned like dem white boys

I had the best fucking idea tonight.

I swear it’s like Will Farrell in that scene in “Old School” during the debate.

The one where he like blacks out and suddenly just knows all of this shit. Then he snaps out of it and he’s back to his regular doltish self.

That’s just what it’s like.

I went to my 7-11 and in honor off xTx, procured a man-size bottle of Newcastle Nut Brown Ale. I’m drinking that sexy bitch right now.

I love the movie “Forgetting Sarah Marshall.” Watching it right now.

“This ain’t the breakfast buffet!”

Made a low-key run to the border. Crunchy taco ‘al fresco.’

“Give me dirty crime scene girl.”

Watching this movie, I realize that one of the things I like about Sex Bomb is that she reminds of a grown-up, hyper-sexual drunk and drugged out version of Mila Kunis. Damn, that’s one hell of a description. But hey, if I’m lying…

I live on a street in Los Angeles where so many of my life decisions are determined by parking. And that shit ain’t right. There are only so many places to park on the street around my house. There are a shitload of cars trying to park in them.

Just going to 7-11 and Toxic Hell (which took all of 20 minutes) I still ended up having to battle an SUV for me spot.

How fucked up is it that PARKING determines my moves at night. The college me would be calling me WEAK right now.

Fuck that shit. I’m slamming a big-ass Newcastle and knocking back a couple of tacos. I’m in college shape, bitches. I did a vodka shot earlier. I’ve got these youngsters. They can’t get down like this. I learned from the masters.

"You need to penetrate deeply and stimulate the clitoris."

It’s 1:11—make a wish.

"You've got Christ between your thighs--only with a shorter beard."

Worst Taco Bell run ever

I mean seriously?

My ex had this whole riff about how I have a tendency to victimize myself.

“You act like the world is actively trying to resist you or something,” she lamented, giving me sad face.

First, that’s kind of the very definition of paranoia, so no.

However.

I have a riff of my own. It’s that most human beings fucking suck. They are worthless sacks of endlessly consuming, perpetually wanting flesh. They are completely self-involved cretins that live like they are the center of the universe.

So it’s not that world is against me. It’s that I’m in the world, and the world is fucked the fuck up. People move through the world looking to take your pound of flesh to add to their own, predatory like sharks with opposable thumbs.

Take tonight’s innocuous trip to Taco Bell.

I’d gone out with some friends tonight in L.A. We went from the Cat and Fiddle on Sunset (where there was this fucking hot Amazonian waitress in a short plaid skirt that got my dick hard. I smiled at her a couple of times, but she gave me nothing. I got one tight half-smile at one point, which is universal for ‘move the fuck on, buddy’) to the Drawing Room with some dinner in between.

I didn’t eat at dinner though. I did a pretty big bump of blow before going into the restaurant, which effectively shut down my appetite.


When it was all said and done I found myself at home around 1:30. I watched some of “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” for what has to be like the 30th time I’ve seen it (I looooove me some Mila Kunis. Jesus that ass!). But soon I realized that I was kind of starving. Fuck it—it’s Friday night, I’ll get some Taco Bell.

By the time I get there, a long-ass line of cars had already had the same idea. I got in line behind some obnoxious SUV. Then a couple of Latino teen boys wedged in behind me.

A few minutes later, the reverse lights on the SUV come on, like it’s trying to back up. But there’s this car wedged right behind me. I can’t back up at all.

I look back at the dudes behind me like, ‘yo, back up, this chick up here is tripping.’

But they just stare at me blankly.

A good five minutes later, and a spindly black woman gets out of the SUV and starts yelling at me to “Back the fuck up!”

I scream back at her “Don’t you see the car behind me?! Where the fuck am I supposed to go!”

She squints her eyes and looked. She sees the car behind me (duh).

“Y’all needs to back the hell up! I’m trying to get outta here!”

Again, the boys stare blankly.

I lay on my horn and put my car in reverse. The car behind me clumsily lurches back once, and then twice.

I’m able to maneuver my way out so the SUV could move. But in doing so, I had effectively lost my place in line. The woman in the SUV swore at me again and sped off.

Red. Red lights blood Ohmyfuckingfuck I’m going to kill this bitch.

I speed up behind her and lay on the horn. I follow her out of the parking lot and pull up next to her at the light.

“Fuck you! Fuckyoufuckyoufuckyouyoufuckingbitch!”

I scream out the window. She looks at me shocked. I speed off in a huff. I swing back around to get in line again. I order food, take it home, and it just sucks. I throw most of it away. I sit down and write this tripe. And I’m done. All I want to do is fuck a chick in the ass right now. Is that so wrong?