Black Ego

I have this problem of just not thinking. I feel like some kind of fucking animal the way I just act/react without thinking things through first.

It started innocently enough on a cold, rainy Saturday morning in L.A. Log onto Youtube for a little music. A few tunes in, and I somehow stumbled across this one band I haven’t listened to in forever.

Many moons ago back when I still just another clueless college student trying not to flunk out, I listened to this band a LOT. Like, obsessively so. When they came to my college town, it was an epic night. It was also the night my long-time girlfriend came face to face with this girl I was completely infatuated with at the time. But that’s a whole other story entirely.

Anyway, I started playing videos from this band, and holy fuck did it take me back. Everything—the fashions, the beats, the hairstyles(!!!)—It all just screamed of a very particular era in my life, when it seemed like anything was possible. I remembered the way I felt about life back then, and all of the hopes/dreams I had pinned on my future.

I guess this is where I have to ask myself: “WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED, DOOD?!”

Story of my life. It’s all right there in front of me, but I somehow find new and innovative ways to completely fuck it all up.

All of these years later, listening to this music only reminds me of what could (and should) have been. It reminds me that the love of my entire life is married to another man and expecting her second child. It reminds me that I’m possibly lonelier than I’ve ever been in my entire life.

Ah, whatever. I’m going to SF on Thursday for a nice, long weekend of working out the kinks. It’s a start, anyway…

New

To quote LL Cool J, I need love. Desperately and dramatically, like a 2year old child that’s never felt the warmth of human contact. If it doesn’t happen soon, the damage could be irreversible.

What I’m finding most interesting is that the love I have been able to get my hands on of late has all been digital. Everything from nudie pics from girls in Seattle to the kindness of a fellow Los Angeleno, my cable connection has allowed me to at least feel what Daft Punk once called “Digital Love.”

I’d compare it to “Tru Blood,” the synthetic blood-replacement drink for vampires on HBO show “True Blood.” Digital love can sustain me sure, but what fun is that. I need skin, hair and teeth. Soft shoulders for tender kisses. A warm, sloping belly to hold from behind as we sleep, crunched together like kittens.

Drugs heighten the experience. Blinding ski runs of blow, the dense jungles of herbal goodness. But without that quickening of breath or muffled cry smothered by a pillow, it all rings hollow.

I vividly remember the last time I held a woman down by throat. We weren’t even fucking at the time. It was a wild, half-naked romp that found the two of us pushing each other further and further. At first it was subtle, but soon I had her pinned to my bed by the neck, my face inches from hers, hot breath and a half-laugh, half-whimper.

“You like that. I know you like it. I know because you’re nasty just like me.”

She smiled in agreement, before striking me across the face so hard it was numb for minutes before the hot pain spread across my right cheek. The same hot pain that rocketed right to my penis, already steel-solid from the initial blow. I’m stiffening at the mere thought of it.

Glass

I don't believe it
I won't believe it
I'm not sad
I understand
That's how it goes

Take it easy
There's no time to be mad
That's their job
blood on their teeth
death on their mind

Pretty baby
please just get out of the way
Where it's safe

Eyes will follow you
Weapons can't break through
Tears will swallow you
You'll always see right through

Bulletproof glass
Bulletproof glass
Bulletproof - You aren't in any trouble now
But who knows
But who knows

Please don't deceive me
I'm just so easily fooled
There's somethings
they do not want the answers to

Don't wanna break all that up
But they keep leaving it out
what to do?

We'll just let it be
until they all need

Bulletproof glass
Bulletproof glass
Bulletproof - You aren't in any trouble now
But who knows
But who knows

(solo)

If you wanna know somebody
Might take a quick look at
The best friends
Diamonds are hers
The dog is his

You can lie to yourself
But don't lie to me
That's what they want

Dominance and loyalty
Romance and security
Stay behind

Bulletproof glass
Bulletproof glass
Ohhhh Ohhhh